The Killers-Part 1

The door of Renee’s lunch room opened. Two men came in. They sat down at the counter.
“What do you want, bossman.”Jaydon asked. Jaydon was the counter-boy at Renee’s lunch room.
“I dunno.”said Rameriez. What do you want.”
“Err, two thighs and chips.”said Deshaun.”Hold the Mayo.”
Deshaun was wearing a grey track suit and a red bandanna around his neck. Deshaun seemed to have red blood-like liquid on his new 110’s. Rameriez on the other hand had more class. He had tight ripped jeans on tucked into his all-black Timberlands. A baggy Supply And Demand shirt covered his many tattoos. His hair was slicked back creating a man-bun. The one hair out-of-place covered his left eye. The sun seemed to have went down when they were receiving their order.
“Nah fam, what is this, are you finna tryna mock it cuz.” Deshaun said with anger.
“What happened.”Rameriez asked.
“Bossman put bare Mayonnaise on my chips.”
“Is that it?”
“Nah, he’s taking me for a mug.”
Deshaun pulled up his bandanna grabbed the gun he came equipped with.
“Don’t Deshaun”Rameriez said.”You know the consequences.”
Deshaun said nothing.
“If you get locked up in jail, who would look after your dying mother?”
“Leave my mother outta’ this.”
“No, you keep hiding behind our excuses, and im sick of it.”
Deshaun once again said nothing. Hand still gripped to his gun.
“No wonder why your girlfriend left you. Your in an abusive relationship”
Deshaun’s eyes went red. his lips started to quiver.
“Ai, bro im sorry.”Rameriez was scared of what Deshaun might do.”That was uncalled for.”
“Nah fam, that was deep, you know how much i loved her.”
“I know bro, im sorry”
“Sorry ain’t gonna fix it.”
Deshaun finally pulled out his gun he was holding so dearly. However he never aimed at Jaydon, the counter boy, but Rameriez.
“Bro what are you doin’, you’re going metal cuz.”
Deshaun’s finger trembled on the trigger.
“Don’t f***ing do this man, its not worth it.”
“Trust me mate, it is.”
BANG
A empty gunshot shell was heard bouncing on the floor, with steam pulsing off it. Drip.Drip.Drip.Blood was trickling on the floor. Deshaun dropped to the floor. Blood running down his neck. In the back of Renee’s lunchroom, Jaydon was visible with a handgun clenched to his hand.
“You f***ing idiot, you shot him!” Rameriez fell to his knees. Rameriez pulled the bandanna of deshaun’s face.
The blood was gushing down his neck , creating a pool of blood. Deshaun was shaking in the blood shivering.
The tear from Rameriez dropped on Deshaun’s warm cheek.
“Why did you do this man?”
“I’m sorry fam, all i saw was red, it was never supposed to be this way.”
“I know mate, I know.”
In the background, police sirens were heard , approaching fast.
“You need to run, Ram.”
Deshaun coughed up blood, he released his hand from the blood-gushing wound to cover his mouth.
“I am not leaving you here, D”
“Don’t risk your future, and life, for me.”
“I will miss you bro.”
“Likewise”
Deshaun smiled knowing these were his few minutes. Rameriez ran off through the double door. The doors slowly shut behind him.
“I’m sorry.”

1 Comment

  1. Wow, what a powerful adaptation of Hemingway’s story. You are very secure in your use of different writing styles, and the transition between speech and narrative voice is smooth. I found the plot to be well controlled and expert, and particularly enjoyed the description of what the gangsters wore.

    An unexpected twist at the end!

    One inconsistency was this:

    “Dont Deshaun”Rameriez said.”You know the consequences.”

    This really needs an apostrophe after the “n” in “Don’t”.

    Modern Adaptation; Genre Writing; Perfect Paraggraph all unlocked.

    Work towards “Perfect Piece”.

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